I feel so dang unmotivated. Why did I do what I did? :) I signed up for these classes and now I can't stand it. But that's not even the problem. I just can't get anything at work done. I am sooooo unmotivated. What is it that I'm supposed to be doing and why do I hate this so much? To some elemental extent I MUST quit whining. I've never felt this way before tho - like if just anything happened I'd disappear.

I mean - some minutes I feel like I can't stand it another minute. I went to the bathroom a few mintues ago and it took all i could to walk back into my office. I just don't want to be here in any way, shape, or form. What is wrong with me? Jeez! I want to just quit my job and leave for good. I can't stand it. I guess it's that there's not a single pleasureable thing that I can think of. There is nothing that I really like or look forward to here. Even in alabama there were things that I loved. I could always go up to Monte Sano, drive to Atlanta or Chattanooga or even Nashville. Go over to my dad's or go see Glen down at mom's or something.

But I can't do any of that here. Most of that stuff is completely gone, even. I guess it's that I can't even leave here and nothing ever changes. And I can't even talk about it because it's too upsetting to so. But this sux because of so's inability to get reasearch done and put behind.

I don't understand how he gets by. His whole life there's been someone to pick things up and make it okay, no matter what he wasn't doing. I really have an impending sense of doom. It's like until someone screams at him and tells him its the end, finito, he's not going to make himself do it.

And what totally kills me - it's all in his head! No one is stopping him from doing anything, but he just has to believe that hj is stopping him.

We have no life - and it bothers me that I feel like "life" won't happen until i get away from here.

I cannot spend another summer here. It is like being in hell, literally. This is the last. If I have to work a menial job somewhere - this is it. I can't help it. Not at all - I can't stand it.

I've got to calm down. Everything has become so - imperitive to me. I think it's displacement about so. I am feeling a lot of angst about what he's doing.

Is it my lack of depth that makes me harp on on the same things? I just found a blog which is all about a guy (I think) who is surviving a breakup with a girl (I think). Does it mean that I'm shallow that I couldn't think of enough words to fill a blog in the wake or breaking up with someone? Or is he shallow for spending so many words on a single, passing topic? I guess it doesn't matter. The point of a blog is what the writer needs it to do. If they need it to be therapy ( which is what I consider my whinings to be), then it is. If others can be amused by the therapy of others, that's peachy.

I think about our aquaintances charlie and so - they have a nice house. Like a big house with a pool and a cool backyard and cabana, etc. And if we had bought a house even three years ago, we probably could have bought a house like theirs for about the same amount of money that we paid for ours. And, ironically, we made the same amount of money three years ago as we did now. I made more and so made less, but the total was the same.

Dang- the blog has been dead few days. Very frustrating! I can't sleep late at nite lately, so I stay up until I can sleep. May be too much caffience late at night.

I've been trying to reach out in some new directions lately, as much as i can at least. I was going to not take a class other than online things this summer, but I had a rude shock when i went to drop - you have to do a formal withdrawl, etc. to drop the final class. What an ass-pain! So rather than having poor ct have to write a letter to let me out, I'm just going to try to stick this out with SO's help. This is a just crazy! Anyway, I've been reading a lot about stocks and the stock market lately, and I'm really intrigued. I think I have a very good head for stocks and other investments - a number of times in the past I've been able to predict long term what happened with certain stocks and other investments, but I've never been able to put any money towards what I thoguth would be good investments. Now that things are settling down some (I hope) I am thinking I might try some of this soon. Right now I'm just reading a lot and trying to get a rough feel for markets. Eventually I would like to put some money after things.

I think it's going to be and interesting economy for a while. There are signs of inflation around the edges, which sucks for everyone, but we can't not expect this. We can't run a govt. the way it's been run and think it'll keep flying along. So --- in that mix, the stock market may suck for a while, but at least interest rates mean that there's some return on cash. The problem being that inflation eats up any gains. I think there's enough consensus even given the dumb bunnies in the admin that if inflation gets out of hand, the Fed'll start cranking rates to keep things in check.

But - we may be heading into a period where stock markets will flatline volatily for a decade or so, like the did in the 60's and 70's. Vietnam, anyone? Although Iraq is just different. Even though wrenching, it's a much smaller conflict that's probably better managed from a military point of view than VN.

And what about influenza? I think sometime in the next 18 month's we'll have to deal with it. Maybe it can be contained enough not to happen in large waves, or we discover that there are effective enough symptom-treating regimens that will take some of the mortality off.

What impact on the economy? Huge of course, but with consequences we can't even begin to imagine now. There will be huge losses, but also huge potential opportunities.