I just can't make up my mind what i want to do. I have this overwhelming desire to apply to med school, even thought i don't want to be a doctor. My grades are good, but they're probably not good enough. And I'm older. But I have this feeling that I just have to do it, even if it doesn't work out.

I have to go for it and get defeated, at least to let this die. I am sure there are many productive things that I will have to go on and do. I seriously need to get a calendar out and maek all the dates I need because there are so many small deadlines, etc. And then there's the matter of my job.

How long can one float through life without really thinking about what they're doing? I always have the vague feeling that I"m not connected to my life.

What are my future plans? If I won the lottery tomorrow, what would I be doing? What different things would I do?

Goals. priorities. thoughts. SO has just got to finish. SO was supposed to be done by the June. The end of summer. Even when done - what the hell is going to happen?

And what do I want to do? I really really don't want to be sucked into SO's research. But I also want a finish line in the visible future.

Sometimes I like what I'm doing. Sometimes I think it takes all my willpower not to leave here in the night and disappear.

Soooo - do I sign up for the econ class or not? It will be a diversion, but maybe motivate SO to work for the summer while it lasts. But then - I do want a break. Eh - what else am I gonna do with the time? It's five weeks.

Yawn. What do I want in the future? It's a selfish turn to be so focused on me me me - but who else do I please? The self-sacrifices of parenthood do not at all appeal to me, so that's energy I'm not going to spend....I have to look at this as self improvement. I'm the only person i can truly improve. I'm the only person that will respond and the only one to truly benefit by my efforts.

So i'm selfish in my own way. They're starting a fancy new bio-technology high school downtown. I admit I'm jealous of the kids who'll get to go. They had nothing like that when I was in school. The pressure was a lot less. Prt of me thinks that we're willing to spend all this money on kids and none for anyone over 18. Why? They talk about how we don't have enough people going into Science and Math, yet this journey to go back and try to do what I'm doing had been incredibly rough. And I'm really, really, lucky.

And I still and not sure what the next step is. I just know that I can't keep doing what I'm doing. This absolutely does not engage me. And this stupid thesis IS my marriage. I don't even know what a relationship would be like with SO because it's all about this fucking thesis. HE doesn't know what it's like to get an adult with no thesis hanging right overhead.

I think a lot of this is projection of my own fears of not being able to get finished. Leave the gun, take the cannoli. I make one choice here - another there.

What am I doing?

Every time i pop in it's always longer than i thought it would be. I don't have much to say in particular except that I'm still decompressing after spring sem. Whoa - what an intense sem. It was so stressful to try to think through the subject matter when my brain was in every other place- like insurance, etc.

And I still have a ton of stuff to do but I'm also needing to do the vacation for one thing. I've been such a slug lately! There are so many things I want to do, but it's so hard to plan with one semester on, then a break. It's really like living in two different realities. It's traumatic in a way. I do need to take breaks, but I literally don't know what to do with myself for a couple of weeks. I get used to it, get more "normal" again, and it's time to start over again.

Man am I tired, but restless at the same time. It IS almost time to be done, tho. I am soooooo looking forward to having that slip of paper. This has been really difficult. It truly has.


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Call Joe B.