Sleepy sleepy - it's been a hell of a month. We got burgled and now i've been sick with a bad cold. I don't seem to get any other type of cold, really, but it's thrown me because I've needed to do things like call the insurance adjustor and find serial numbers, but I haven't felt like getting out of bed until about today. I've also got a 15-page paper due and a performance rating due for my job. All my music is gone - CDs and instrucments. Fuckers! I can't get over it. My horn is gone. I'm not even sure how I feel. Somewhat detached. Somewhere in me i guess i ought to care more, but I just can't get too upset, because I can't get derailed and lose focus on the things that I have to do.

It's weird, 10 years ago if you'd told me that I'd be reacting like this, I would have thought aliens had invaded my mortal coil. I don't if I should pat myself on the back and congratulate myself for my coolness in handling a dreadful situation, or wonder if I'm really a cold-blooded psycho. I guess I'm just really into what I'm doing, and I'm pushing hard to get us onto the next stage of our lives. And I feel like if nothing else, we must push on and that we can't stand still. Even if I rally wanted to take a break, it's just not feasible because there's no loose time around the edges of our lives to spare. If I don't progress in the degree, the chance is going to escape me. If SO doesn't finish, well, I don't know what'll happen.

I guess ultimately, I've had enough life experience by now that I can put all this in perspective. Although I've sad and mournful of the loss of a chunk of my past life, I wasn't actively involved in that part of my life, and nothing that has happened realyl impacts my daily life right now, except for somewhat of a loss of a sense of security. Well, not even that because i never feel really secure in this place. I think I just have a slightly higher sense of paranoia. I don't even feel surprised by all of this. I totally expect that what's happened to us is just what happens in this place. I guess if I new that this would be the rest of our lives, I'd be fighting like hell to change things, but I know in my heart that this is a temporary stop for now. So, I think I know that things are going to change, but that we're stuck in a holding pattern until the degress, etc. can be finished.

I'm not unhappy with what I'm doing now at work. I don't want to do this forever, mostly becuase the pay is crap for the duties involved. I mean, I think it's fair for what the job is, but I think I could be doing so very much more. We're not in abject poverty by any means, but $$$ is tight, mostly because I'm trying to build everything that we have from the ground up while SO finishes. I think he understands in a general sense that I work hard and that he needs to do more to contribute in the long run, but he often does get that to translate directly into what he's going on a daily basis. He just doesn't get that his actions directly impact what he's doing on a long-term basis.

So - who knows what'll happen long term? In the optimism cloud, I see that things will just work out and we'll be happy and while we won't be rolling in $$$, we'll be able to get to a point of general comfort. We'll be able to go out and do things that will make our lives interesting in fulfilling. We'll have a long-term life that we like and that is livable and sustainable and that we'll be able to be comfortable in retirement.