I'm sitting here thinking "I need to be more positive". Isn't also a form of negative criticism of myself? :)

In a sense I have a lot of time on my hands, and I'm bored, I just don't feel productive. So - I could be doing SOMETHING, but I don't. Why is that? Is it job change? Maybe I got out of school and I was so focused on my career at first that I never stopped to take time and think about things, and now that my life is more stable and somewhat fixed, I feel boringly unproductive.

What would I be doing if I didn't have my job? What SHOULD I be doing? I know I'd like to do more for my studies, but I could do that now and I'm not. The truth is that I am limited in what I'm looking at in biotech - maybe it's and excuse. But maybe it's that I'm also trying to "protect" knowledge. Since what I have to be engaged in is fairly intense and very specific, I have to be careful not to "pollute" my brain with a lot of extraneous knowledge, including some that might confuse or even contradict what I'm trying to do to get through my classes. In a sense, that's not fun, and it's not what I want to do.

Also, what I'd really like to be doing is getting out and going to more places, but we can't until SO finishes. That's where the stress is- it's the day-to-day lack of freedom because SO can't get head out of ass. It's like being in a prison because I can't leave. We're stuck with one vehicle. I realize that I'm insanely lucky even to be where I am, but I still feel trapped. We can't even go on an overnight camping trip - we just can't take the time. I cannot spend the rest of my life like this - I need to have some freedom to do what I want.

It's so silly - I had picked out a perfect flooring option for the house, and it fell through and I feel so BUMMED about it! I wanted so much for this to work out. Goddammit! We just don't have any options. I don't want to be so numbed out by the time SO finishes that I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's just SO interminable! It's like this is never going to end. When it's over I won't know what to do with myself. No kidding! Eek!

I spend a lot of time sitting around and waiting. For what I'm not sure. I should get myself more engaged in something. Part of the problem is reconciling how different my levels of activity are around the year here versus other places I've lived. If there's going to be a make or break thing about this place, that's it. I can feel much more active 9 mos/yr, but those 3 I need like 15 hours of sleep a day. No joke! I'm not sure if it's because of the light or the temp or what, but I just literally don't feel like doing anything. And I'm not sure I can do that for three months a year for the rest of my life. It's like being dead for three months. All I can think of is that I HAVE to leave as much as I possibly can next year. I don't know what I'll do, but I cannot stay here all summer. It's too torturous.

Now - it feels like night and day, so to speak. Without thinking about it - I'm getting a lot more done. We're done a ton of stuff around the house:

1 Shed
2 lite fixes (3)
3 big cabinet
4 toilet
5

It's been a while. I am just having problems reconciling - I don't know what. I've often thought that maybe I just can't get along with people, but I just can't let myself be a pushover. I had a very bad experience with an office here on campus today - and I'm still angry about it. I don't WANT to be angry about this, but this woman was very rude and insulting. Really, I was just trying to help our students who are very confused about advising, and she insulted me by calling into question my professional abilities when this wasn't necessary.

What is going on here? People do seem different here - but it's almost like if you question anyone here about bad service, you have to expect that they're going to blow up, insult you, or even threaten you with bodily harm. Is the frontier justice mentality? I've never met so many rude obnoxious people in my life. Not in NY, not anywhere. At least in NY, people don't usually argue because they pass along and don't want to spend any time argiung.

I can't get caught up in this, because I don't have time, and I need to just not stress over this. But I feel so bad for our students!!! They cannot help this and they can't get help!

I just have to find some way to not get upset about people. Even insulting ones!