It occurs to me that I have probably bought 6 or 7 vaccum cleaners over the years - and none of those because any of the others stopped working. It's because I've moved so many times - and it's often easier to leave vacuums behind so that you can clean up after you've moved everything out of an apartment, house, etc.

I sometimes feel like I'm in that old show "Quantum Leap" - every couple of years or so I take my whole life, shake everything up, and then land in a new place with a new job, friends, etc. And this latest leap is here to T. - and there are many things about this "landing" that I like least of all the "landings". Yet - strangely, if I will it so, I have more chance to make this the big permanent place that I could spend the rest of my life in. Why *is* this? It's not that this is just the plain least desirable so it's "easier to get into" - there are many people who would kill to live here, just not me. This isn't doing it for me. I less the:

flatness
dust
lack of green
hotness in summer
the fact is never gets cold
lack of education among the people here
having to settle for less because SO could f**king settle down any sooner
the "stupid conservativeness"
lack of a "creative community"

So - bitch bitch bitch - I need to find a way to be happy with what I have. I don't know why I have such a sense of restlessness about life. I think part of the way i don't fit into my job is that I think I do project an general aura of competence, so people just naturally assume that I want to move up. It's like they want to keep me more than I want to stay.

Despite things, I think I can see some happiness in just sitting, enjoying life with SO and our house, etc. Things do feel a little better, I think because we've taken care of some big hurdles like the house and the truck. I just feel shell-shocked because so much has changed that I don't have a reference point to consider things from.

My job feels like cleaning and polishing a house that's about to be flooded by a hurricane. I feel grumpy! I just want to go in a different direction than they want to here. I sometimes wonder how much longer I'll hold out, maybe one day I'll just apply for and up and leave for a job that's somewhere else. In some ways I do feel like I should be greatful and thankful that I have the opportunity that I have - it is great, it's just that I feel like I can't even take advantage of it. And that sucks! They want to announce a new job that sounds like it would be "made" for me - except it's what they want and not what I want. I am SOOOOO not looking forward to this coming year - goddangit! I'll have to scramble to put together a big stupid application package for a job that I"ll have to spend a whole torturous day interviewing for to get basically the same job I have now with probably the same pay but with a lot more responsibility, travel (oh fucking goody!) participation in a bunch of crap that I don't give a shit about all so that I can be in a type of position that I'm just not interested in! And then - there's a strong chance that I won't even get the job, and either I'll be out next year or they'll have to convert my job over to some type of annual contract anyway. AND - even if I do get the job - it's going to make conditions worse, because we'll have the same number of people working here BUT - we'll have the bonus of having about 1/2 a person less. And then they'll have to hire someone else - jeez what a pain. I just want to finish my degree. That's it.

And not to be ungrateful - but I have also worked really hard here, I've really tried to pitch in and help out, and I've done what they've wanted of me for less pay, as a great team player, without complaint, and the only thing I've asked for is to take a few classes. But maybe I'm thinking too limited - I just don't know. Maybe I could negotiate the time to take classes, etc. into a permanent position. But again - the timing just sucks. I would have to do all that work, etc. to be here probably another year?!?!? And oh my god continuing appointment is such a pain in the ass. I almost cry every time I think of all the effort that has to go into something that I have so little intest in working with. It just goes so completely against my grain. And SO needs to worry about this thesis, not about whether or not I get a permanent job that I just so dearly don't want. I just want a job, not a permanent lifetime contract.

If the thought doesn't occur - then write the thought that doesn't. I was walking back to the office today and it occured to me why I don't esentially like it here - I'm pretty much in different to everything around me. Yeah, we have a house, and I *do* like that, but just can't get over seeing this place as temporary. It's so STRANGE - I just don't care about anything I see here. And it drives me nuts - I don't know why I just can't bond with things around here. I guess this place just doesn't look like anything I've ever even thought that I'd dream of liking. I hate being in the sun all the time. I makes me crazy! I really, really, wished that I liked this place - to so many people this is their ultimate fantasy.

It just isn't mine.

And there are some really neat things - SO really loves it here. At one time I thought I would too. He's just so happy - it sometimes makes me want to puke. I'm so glad he's happy, but I"m not!

60 posts - I wonder if I should give myself a prize! Anyway - just in for my usual bitchfest. I don't know if it's the heat or the flatness -but I just can't get acclimated to this place. There are things I really like about it - but none of this feels permanent. Part of me thinks "okat, I'm marriend, we're settled down, so I need to start building a life and putting down roots, etc." But even if I do that - I know that this place just isn't going to feel like home, even if there are things that I do like about it. It's nuts! Seattle had a homey feeling to it. Maybe the hills, the attitude - I'm not sure what, but it was different than here. I used to really like it when i visited, and i love where our housie is, but - i just get the feeling we won't be staying here, even if we really want to.

I should start blogging about what my classes are like. Although i'm liking my p-chem class so far, I feel somewhat numb to my classes in general. I don't know what it is. I guess I'm just generally bored. It's ironic - we finally get a vehicle so that we can leave the house and drive around without torturous heat, and gas is so damn expensive that driving isn't a reasonable option. This is really going to be a crimper because that's SO's only passtime. He likes to go driving around late at night, and we're going to have to start conserving gas. It's about time - the country in general needs to, and this is going to be good in the long run, it just figgers that it would be literally the day we bought the truck that all hell breaks loose.

Oh well - at least the great load of what are we going to drive is going to be off our minds for now. So - hopefully that will mean a lower lever of background stress. And - instead of constantly thinking "we have to save $$$ for a car" we now have one, so we don't have to be quite so psychotic with money hopefully.

And - I can hopefully pay off credit card, stu loan, truck, and second mortage. It's weird to think - but if we are just careful for the next year and half, we could have all our debts paid off. Now - that's not the best thing to do necessarily with our money because we probably want to keep a good bit of cash in reserve, but it's a good feeling. Now if we can just get SO a paying job when he finishes....