What a week! It was strange - dj her job interview this week. I was up and down all week. I was angry at first - had a visit from ys. She could drive you crazy - but it put me into a bit of panic and made me think.

What's come back to me all week is that with dj leaving - I'll be the only person there without a sci degree or a bazillion yrs of experience. And it makes me feel vulnerable for the future. So I've been thrown into turmoil all week because I've wondered if I should tell my boss a little bit about what I'm up to. Even dj said I needed to insist on getting what I felt I needed. And my boss is getting clue that I'm vulnerable no matter what they say.

It's interesting - there are so many things I want to do, but it's so hard to prioritize. Do I go for the BS or the BA? I can the BA a tiny bit faster. But I really want the BS. It basically will take only a semester longer. I'd also like to apply to med school. Untimately, I have to just do what I can do now and worry about things when I come to them. ARRRGGH!

Jeez - can't shake the sense of gloom. I was thinking at one point walking around in the Restoration Hardware that I need to let go of stress.

The other day blogging it occured to me how much stress I'm under - that I feel and how it distracts me. I think that's the crux of my weight problems. It's not just that I'm handling stress abnormally, but that I really do have a lot of it. Oddly, not with my job in the sense of my old one - it's a lot less direct on the job - but fighting boredom and the sense of worthlessness. I think what I do it worthy, I just really truly don't want to be the person doing it. It's a bad fit - the same as if I were an elementary school teacher. I think that's one of the most important jobs in the world, I just absolutely would NOT like doing it. And then there's a lot of other stuf I worry about. So's not getting his work done - which I can't really control, I can just influence him, hopefully for the better. The house, what's in store for our future, will we have kids, will we have enough money to do what we want, etc. I also would always like more time off. I also stress over my mother. I'm not ready to play mommy-parent yet.

I also would HATE being a nurse, that would be on my list of jobs I wouldn't like. I don't think I'd like banking either.

Anyway - in the store today, it occured to me that (knock wood) we'll have a long time to worry about things. SO and I should be together at least 20-30 yrs, and that's a good bit of time. Sure, it will pass like a breeze and we'll look back and wonder what happened to time - but it's a long time in the sense of how much will change during that time. And many good and bad things will happen in that time. Things that seem so difficult now will resolve thenselves. Things that I could never conceive being a problems with arise. As I walked around that store, it occured to me that I probably have a different outlook on things than most people. And it's related to how gravely I think about things. I really worry about almost everything I do - about what kind of impact it will have on my life! Even minor decisions like buying small pieces of furniture. I really worry about how long things will last, what's going to be happening down the road, etc. And it occured to me that I'm a freak - most other people are probably happier because most other people are just NOT thinking about things like I am. They see their futures and they probably don't think about things too much.

I'm almost like some kind of dog for whom this moment, in the dog's mind, is all he's ever going to know. This moment isn't just NOW - it's also the forseeable future. So - the house we live in now, what we do NOW is like my whole life. It's exactly what we'll be doing 35 years from now. I think a lot of it is because NOTHING has changed in so's life for the last ten years. I mean, his friends have come and gone, people have moved around, his parents went to florida, but the biggest changes for him were that he moved out of his parent's house, roomed with rm and has been going to grad. school. But he's been doing the same things. What has changed for him has been me. All the changes for him have evolved around me. I'm now integrated into his life, it looks like it's never going to change again, and I'm not totally happy with things. He loves being a grad stu. I hate that he's a grad stu. I don't like my job. I want to change everything about our house. I'm not sure I want to live here. What I could change about all these things I would, and over time probably will. But although I think things will be different later on, I am not sure how. I can't conceive of him doing anything different - althought that's what I REALLY want. I am not sure how I could have a different job, but that's what I REALLY want.

I feel like I post more that the dates indicate that I do. I am tired - and I'm coming to realize that like people with small children - you just put life as you know it on hold until the job gets finished. Luckily - as frustrated as I get, this will be about 6 years total for the UG deg and who knows how many after I go on to graduate school. BUT - it won't be the same as raising kids to adulthood.

Hmm- science is my child. It's tought right now. Although things have slowed down a wee bit - I just stop to think every morning how much I'd like to do cool things to the house, that houses are a pain in the ass to maintain, that given druthers, I would NEVER have bought a house at this time in my life. What a nightmare pain! But again, if I had to do it again, I would buy and even faster. Becausse all we bought was a placekeeper. I don't know if we'll stay or keep this house for 40 yrs, but if we hadn't done it now, no matter how inconvenient it is, we couldn't have done this later at all. Or at least not without big gains in income or big financial risk.

As for my life, I'm like a missing refugee. I know my friends and relatives think I've abandoned them - but I've gotten so used to having to keep this secret and I feel like I can't talk a lot about things, because you never know who is going to talk to the wrong person. Even during the wedding there were a few scrapes that were problematice, but I smoothed everything over. Whew! I would feel like a bad person, but I'm almost to tired in general to worry about it. If I just took off and did nothing for the next six months, it would be grand. The more I get to sleep, the more I feel like I'm healing an enormous stress wound. I just almost don't know how to settle down and decompress from all the stress! I'm just not cut out for making major moves - too stressful. If I never move again it will be too soon. I"m so fucking tired! An having to take fruniture apart and put it back together, and move stuff around, and take boxes apart, etc. is just a lot of wasted energy, it really is. It's all so that you can live your life the way that you normally do with all the same features, etc. but in a different place.

I get so frustrated with so sometimes because he is a nice guy who just can't see anything coming. I had the complete knowledge ten yrs ago about housing, for example, but I couldn't even communicate it with him because he wouldn't be capable of listening. Our lives would be a lot better now. We could have had a much nicer house, etc. instead of a house that is the basre minimum. I feel in between - like we ARE lucky even to have a small house that we got at an okay price, and we just dodged a bullett because of how crazy prices have gone. But - the house is at a bare minimum of what I think is livable. It's a slight notch down from the apartment we were living in -and I totally realize that the advantage is that we can fix anything that's wrong with the house, BUT - that's the catch. We have to FIX a lot of things with it. And we just absolutely don't have time. And I don't have psychic time - that's the big thing. I've come to realize that although I do still need to get better at managing time, my biggest problem is the use of my mental energy and how that relates to physical energy.

I can't sit down and unpack the office because it would take a couple of days work. That doesn't sound like a lot, but it truly is, because it would take me two days of sustained work and thought about what to do with all the things in there. I would really have to make choices and think about it. And that would be two days that I would not have to study, read, or mull over my classes. But even more than that, it would be counterproductive, because I would have to "shove out" and not focus on what I"m doing for class. I would lose not only that time, but I would forget enough items that would cost a lot more than just the equivalent hours that the time would take me. So I would actually move back in time mentally - I would actually forget or lose track of things I'd already learned in my classes. So I would lose on the classes. Now, I'd gain in organization, etc. but frankly that's of marginal benefit compared to spending the time for any one class.

I'm having a major freak-fest right now. I can't stand it here. It's almost so bad that I want to hand in my resignation and get in the car and just drive away.

I think I'm so unhappy and pressured because there's not a release for me. THere is nothing I can point to or do or get involved in that relieves it. I want to get out and walk around, but about my only alternative is the IRC. It's so fucking hot out. I can't STAND it! Yesterday was bliss- I didn't leave the house until after sundown. If I could do that every day, I think i'd be better.

Wow - I'm finding out that really, absolutely the only thing keeping me here is so. There's the classes, but it's not enough. I just don't feel fulfilled, and I'm so drowsy all the time. I don't want to but I probably need to get help for depression. Fuck.

The problem is that the light NEVER STOPS. I can't stand it! I think I can't stand it the way other people can't handle gray skies. The only time I feel somewhat okay is at night - and I can't be awake then because I have to be at work, etc.

I hate usability. It's so stupid and useless!!!!!! Right now, I'd rather work back at Sbarro. Gladly. At least someone there had a need for what I was doing. This is just a toturous waste of time. And there's never any end in sight. Never. At least in Sea. - I could get HS to go to a movie or something. I am losing my mind.

I can't even see doing something creative here. It just doesn't happen for me. Not at all. I haven't had a creative urge since I set foot in this place. I don't know why. I just don't know - maybe being with so?

I can't make up my mind...do I stay or do I go? Fuckity fuck

Pros Stay in Class
---------------
I get the credits out of the way
I love the class material
I want to do something fun and stimulating
Love Dr. B's lectures and style
I will have more flexibility in taking things like physics later
I think I can get and A in Dr B's class if I just make an effort
I already bought the books
ALthough the last class was hard - I don't think taking two at same time made much diff
Joe's out of town, so this'll give me something to do
I can't realistically do anythign else until the term's end b/c I have to be in CB
Taking this one may help divert/distract me from CB
I won't have to do it again


Cons Stay in Class
-----------------
I obviously don't do as well on the 5-wk term
I'm tired - I need a bit of a break
I need to work on stupid work stuff - not a lot, but I have to show some effort
I CAN take this later when my schedule is more balanced
I want to focus on CB - THAT is part of the major
I can take the books back to the store
What if I can't balance both classes?
WOuld be nice to take a weekend trip
Grades are important - I need an A in CB and don't need distractions