God - what is it that I want? Part of the angry funk I'm in is that I don't know what I want. I can't think of a single thing that I could get or do that would make me feel better right now. All the old things that could cheer me up either aren't here, or I've just lost touch so much that things I could do are not making me happy.

And it's so stupid - why all this crazy focus on happy, happy, happy? Did I really just like S that much? Why would a place make that much difference? Is it all these changes? I think that's why when I was a kid I was always unhappy until I'd settled in a couple years. (And the rug kept getting pulled out.) It was because I think I'm happy around things that I'm familiar with - that have given me some pleasure in the past. So logically, I know it's all "in me" to find happiness.

I've been attacked by the angry-monster today. This sounds childish, and it is. I just have the demon today. I wanted to go in and beat up my poor TA. I shouldn't get so out of control - I think my grade is at worst a A-, so it's not too bad. But I am just pissed because I put in so much fucking work into it - more than a lot of people in there, and I have a lower grade. Because I'm honest about it and didn't copy from other people, I'm penalized. I'd goto the Dean with this, but I'm taking the class on the sly so I can't make waves. It's just another reason that my situation is making me nuts.

If I were a normal student and paying normal tuition, hell, if I weren't doing this in secret, I'd be out-on control angry in a very vocal way. But because I have to keep my head down and eat shit, I can't. And once again - so is really happy because things are going well in his research, but it's because I push the shit out of him and make all the choices for him (or horce him to make the choices). I want MY NAME on his goddamn degree. I sometimes wonder it I'll just leave after this is over. I love him, but I really feel like I need to get away from him. It's like - I can't just enjoy some TV without him sitting there watching me. I want him to go do something - ANYTHING that doesn't involve me telling him to do it first. I want him to go have his own life. I am probably sometimes too harsh from his point of view because I tell him he isn't getting his work done. I don't WANT to have to tell him - I WANT him to be an adult and make choices and decisions for himself. It really is like living with a reticent teenager. I think because sometimes I get onto him (and not in a way that most people would even notice) I think he thinks that the way to keep me "satisfied" is to wait for me to tell him everything.

Home prices have just gone bananas. In a neighborhood and house that I know by aquaintance, a house, no larger than 1800 sqft just sold for $275K. Houses sold there 6 mos. ago for 100K less. No exaggeration.

Anyway - maybe someday the costs will go down. For now, it concerns me because what if we want to move? This can't be permanent.

I feel pretty discouraged by my classes now. I just - am not really interested. I asked so thoughts on this - he agreed he felt the same thing. I think I might be a little frustrated because I've taken most of the stupid fucking classes I have now already - so it's BORING right now. I mean, there is value in reviewing things and learning them better, but I'm going nuts.

It's also hard because the environment here just isn't the same as S. There, it was just exciting to be around. There's not much like that here. People aren't just plain excited to be here. It's just another place.

I need to do things like think about taking the GRE. Maybe I need to take some time off and get priorities straight, so I can re-find my motivation. But - I really feel like I can't because I don't feel like the situation will let me do this much longer. I don't know why I have such a strong desire, need to stop. I do want to enjoy things - that's part of it. I think I need to re-adjust. I think I don't feel what I want right now.Why am I doing this, for example?

I want to:

- Have another career option
- I do really like what I'm doing on a certain level, there's a strong intellectual curiosity. But - that motivation flags day to day. It's almost like the more I know, well, I already know stuff - so why learn more? It's possible that all I wanted was to learn to a certain level, and maybe that's less than a degree worth.
- I don't like my job now. This is taking forever, while I have to do it. Weirdly - what does it say when I take the most comfort I can find from slave narratives or stories? Hmm...
- I'd like to make more money some day. I thought maybe one day in real estate - but that's just unrealistic for a good number of years.

Pros of Telling
---------------
I'd be out in the "open" - not having to sneak around all the time
I could be proud and "normal" about what I'm doing
it might be easier to schedule classes, etc.
My whole life would feel integrated
Maybe easier to transition to part-time status?


Cons of Telling
---------------
I might lose out on job consideration b/c seen as not "devoted" enough
I might lose the job after term up b/c not devoted enough
It almost doesn't matter - I can probably get throuh this in not too much longer w/out ever saying anything
Would make me open to scrutiny - what my schedule was, etc. and might make it tougher to get in things i need

I'm really, really tired. It's interesting to be somewhat out in the cold and meet someone who's been in the same unusual places. I've often wondered WHY my place is unusual - why I find that it's only the rare person who is like I am.

Maybe things would have been easier if I'd picked a different path in college in the first place. But looking back - I don't know how I could have known to do anything different back then. It's easy now to think that I would have been happier getting a degree in say, economics or in CS or even in chemistry. But at the time I hated it. I just found anything but the arts to be stifling. I don't know why this is much easier now - at least finding the interest.

Although even that's been flagging lately. I don't even know what my life is about right now. I don't know what might make me satisfied. The playing field is just plain different b/c now I'm with SO, life is a bit easier. I do detest the job - it could be much worse, but it's just not challenging enough for me. So I've set out on the semi-fools errand to get this other degree. I think the hard part may be that I can't really be honest and open about this. Everyone else willing to work this hard makes no bones about what they're doing. But I feel that I have to sneak around and hide it. I'm not even sure why!

Part of it is my profession - very conservative, mostly non-forward thinking. I think there's also a perception of "turncoat" and a complete lack of understanding. Most people in the field came here to "escape" another profession. Many don't have other degrees, or if they do, it's a subject-area masters. But I don't have the ug degree, much less the masters.

I think I don't want to allow the perception that I'm here "just to get the degree" which in a sense is exactly what I'm doing. But - does this even matter? I don't set out to be a furtive person, it's just that in almost every experience I've had, it turned out to be (or would have been) the wiser choice.

I don't want other people to feel threatened by my doing this, and I frankly I don't want to have to explain my business to them. I'd like for it to be completely separate, almost to the point of pathological.

There's also a perception in my prof. of weird devotion - that we should feel really lucky to even do this, even with crappy pay. So - the idea that I would dare go and get another degree would indicate that I'm not devoted enough to the profession, even when I JUST THINK OF THIS AS A JOB - not some kind of weird calling. And - it's not like the bastards are devoted to me - they don't CARE what happens to me. It should be enough that I show up, do my job competently and one time, etc. and the rest is none of their business.

I can just see it though - I annouce to the whole world that what I'm doing, and as soon as I want to sign up for something, suddenly it will be a big deal of "you're not here to do that -you need to do your job." Like it's any of their fucking business -but that's the nail. It's that people in my profession just automatically assume that they know what's best and what's best for other people and just exactly what "the way" ought to be. What sucks is that if I were hourly - I probably get all the encouragement in the world. But because I'm a "pro" - it'd be "we're not here to bend over backwards to help you. That's not what this is job is for."

Also, I get the feeling that boss's boss would take it negatively that I'm working on this. And it's crazy - in most other professions, this not only would be encouraged, but possibly even required.
It's a catch 22 - I don't have any permanent status here, which means I'm not shielded to just do any old thing I want, but to have status would mean a commitment that I don't want to make.

It might also be easier for me to do the job part-time, but fuckit, I CAN'T. I have to wait for SO to finish. And sometimes I want to kill him b/c he dawdles and doesn't get how much I have to suffer WAITING for him. Yes, I can take classes, one at a time, for the next X years - but I'm missing out on the connective fiber. It's really taking a big hit for me to have to wait and support him - because I can't cut back on work hours. I can't move to an easier, lower paying job. I can't make time to go and do some extra reserach. I probably can't get into graduate school because I don't have the other "bits and pieces" needed to get in.