I'm still not feeling much better - i just don't have a lot of words to say, and SO is upset, because all emotions center around him.

I think i made a colossal mistake by coming here. I just can't do this. I haven't had to do this, it's hard to believe, in 17 years. I can't believe it - but I haven't lived with anyone that I didn't more or less choose since I was 15.

What would I do if I could do anything right now? Probably hit the AT. Go to Denver and see big D. Go to Italy. I can't get a handle on this. Right now i'm not liking rm very much. He's just kind of cavalier about - look at my desk, I'm not going to keep it, I'll dump it if you don't want it.

I feel left out somehow - wow is this any new emotion? No - just the same taste as always. Instead of being around someone who can understand, SO is so much like my mother. How could he possibly understand? He has no idea - he has never wanted something that he just can't have, that he's never going to have. It's all about him - as long as he's happy, he can't understand. Why or how could anyone else be unhappy? Jesus - we're all supposed to be smiling idiots together.

In myself, I guess i should just pick it up and be perky perky perky perky. But i just fucking can't. I need space too - and it's like it's beyond all concept that i've given everything that i had to do this, that i'm scared and i'm not sure of the future. And no matter how many things have changed, they're just gonna keep on changing. It doesn't matter, as long as SO is free to not finish his fucking PhD.

I  think the problem that creeps around the edges of my mind is that he doesn't love me. He doesn't know how to. I think he's fond of me as a friend, but deep down I don't think he thinks any more of me than he does one of his guy buddies, except he can bonk me. That deep fondness that you feel for a true lover just isn't there. He doesn't dream at night of ways to please me. Nor I him - there's nothing that he's interested in except physics.

He'll do nice things for me, but it's not any different than things he'd do for his sisters. He's not interested in my having orgasms, or that i really feel cuddled or nutured in any way that's any different than Rick or Jay.

I guess I feel like i tried to insert myself in a place that i just don't fit. I just don't belong here. I just don't belong anywhere.  I think i used to want a cactus garden because it was so final.

I feel abandoned?!?! - like you wanted to be my friend, but you just can't? You can't wrap yourself up and still do it? Isn't that good enough? I have to be polite and nonchalant and pretend like I don't care about ANYTHING - and I've been doing it for a month, and i just can't anymore. God forbid I'm not tap-dancing around to make SO and everyone else happy. Fuck this - I've had it. I'm sick of having to be the parent in every godamn connection with every human being i've ever known. Someone please just take care of me for once...someone just hold me without having to do everyhing for you.

I just want a house - and i've moved so far down the chain that I can't anymore. Now i'm going to have to rely on someone else to have a house, and I can't stand it.

 

Wie eine Gestalt ist...

I'm so upset. I still can't get down to doing anything useful. I guess anyone reading this would this would think i'm a complete depressive, because most of my postings are dark in tone. But - i think it's just that i only want to write thoughts down when they're gloomy, to get them out of my head.

Words aren't emotions - i guess they're the closest thing we have to sharing emotions with others. Music is probably even better - even instrumental seems part words, part emotions, like somehow in between.

God - maybe this is personal. I'm not in love with this person - but it's a little like that. As much as you fall in love with yourself? Why is it that people seem to choose people that look like themselves? Maybe something similar is going on here. On an emotional level, leave some thrilling, disturbing part of their lives behind for years mostly because no one else around them understands it, but then this person comes around that DOES understand, has been in exactly the same places and spaces - so there's this illusion of a collected past or memory. And to get used to this, and then have them leave.

But it's selfish - it's very one way. I'm sure i thrill in this and i feel like i belong and this makes me feel great, but he doesn't feel like he belongs and it hurts him. SO is what connects us - I have SO, and he brings me closer to rm, so that's great on my end. But for him - SO is what separates him from me, so it must be a bad thing.

When you fall in love with someone, it's an endorphine rush. For those moments when you live inside the emotion, everything is just perfect. Everything is known - but I'm not sure I've ever been in love where i felt sure I felt that the other person felt exactly the same way. I'm not sure that's possible. But here is this person - it's not a love thing per se, but i feel that he feels the very same way. And he's at a level that I left behind a long time ago. I had to to move on and do something with my life. It is a form of nostalgia that is pulling at me when I see this person. It can feel so good to go back to some part of the past and be fond of that person. But just like knowing that I can't be with this person - i can't live in my past, either.

It seems weird and impossible, but if you take similar people with similar hang-ups (people crazy in essentially the same way) and have placed them in similar unusual circumstances, what happens if they run into each other one day, many years later?

It's either going to be something very good or very bad, but it'll be something intense. And the edges of intensity are dulled by familiarity, but when recognition is just so painful it's hard to get to that point of bored familiarness that lets us be comfortable. Maybe that will happen in time, maybe not. He's just so neat - he doesn't even know how neat he is. I've always loved my weirdness, it's been my defense - i've reveled in it. I'm even militant about it. But he just wants to fit it - he's never had a chance to be cherished and accepted for his special weird, intense ways. I can't imagine - god bless, at least i was an only child. I was probably alone too much, but at least I didn't have some horrible sibling that held up a mirror to make me feel even worse. At least i could feel different or weird in privacy.

I just want to not hurt over this - i want to stop picking this up.  I want to stop being the tv antenna for the emotions of broken and wounded people. You can say what you will, but the right words just won't be said.

With SO, i don't think it's that we have an intense love relationship, but we're both neat people that have had some neat experiences - so any two neat people could hook up and be together and probably be reasonably happy.

I just feel like he's died. This is agony. I'll go for years and think that I'm normal, even boring, and then this will happen. It's not that i get upset over things, it's the things that I get upset over. :) That's what defines 'crazy', right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man, I'm so depressed.  I can't believe why I'm so depressed. Today rm was coming over to move out. SO was going to talk to rm about it - about why. This is so silly, it's so insignificant. But it's like what i moved here for is changing completely. I childishly can't stand this change. I just want to cry and not speak to rm again - although i'm sure that wouldn't even be noticed. It's just too much change all at once. it's been hard so far. A lot of good things, but i just can't get my bearings. It may be time for zoloft - i don't know. i just can't even gaze at what the future might hold. at one time that would have been exciting to no end - now i just think i need some tranquilizers. We had planned to go away this weekend, but we didn't. Maybe we should have. If I could just get out into nature a bit, it would help.  I just need to stake out space and experiences here of my own- nothing is my own.

It's like the pieces in this apartment don't fit together anymore. Like there was a certain reality - and someone came in in the night and changed all of our stuff around. Everything's mostly the same, but the subtle differences are making me nuts. Like, the tv's in the same place, but it's a different tv. The bed's where is was, but the room - the same damn room, is like in a different shape.

And I can't escape - because I don't have a refuge outside here. I don't have a place i can just go and feel okay again. Maybe the botanical garden? Taliesin?

I'm starting to understand this isn't personal about rm - it's not him. He could be an intense bad paint color or replacements of things after storm damage, it doesn't matter - it's just the change that's bothering me. LOL - i think he probably feels the same way - that's what's so ironic! I can totally understand - his home that was his home is the same place, but completely different.

And SO doesn't even register - he just goes on happily like nothing could bother him - meanwhile i'm a basket case in the corner. And so is rm! I think this is all the same reason, but understandibly different actions in response to what's happening. I'd want to move too - i do. I love the location, but this is breaking me.

Been the proverbial while now - SO was miffed at me this morning, and I'm not sure why. RM is moving out sooner than we thought due to family emergency, and I said something about being worried about rent. SO gets really pissy about this for some reason. I don't know if he just doesn't like talking about money, or he thinks I'm blaming him for having a high rent?

Truth is, we're paying a premium for living close to the U, so in some ways it's not too bad. But because we're close to the U, it's hard to get goods and services like groceries.

I feel a bit depressed about the whole thing - I thought I'd have another month to think about all this - but it looks like we have to do it now. And SO is just not reactive. He's kind of caring and loving, and he'll do nice things, but I'd rather he'd get off his ass. He needs to finish this PhD - and last night he was saying that it'll be another year or year and a half until he finishes. Is ALWAYS a year or year and a half until he finishes. I don't want to get married if it's going to take that ***king long. And my job here is far from a sure thing.