Wowser - I've really had trouble with rage lately. I don't wan't to be enraged - and I need to work through what's going on. It's like I feel like "why poor me" but I have a lot of great things in my life. I mean I REALLY need to put things into perspective and live that perspective. But - I don't want to betray myself that I'm going along in a detrimental life that is really bad for me, but that I agree is just wonderful because that's the "thing to do". This gets back to the S&J thing - they're so convinced they're so wonderful, but I don't think I've ever met two people who were more worthless in terms of how they negatively affect the things and people around them.
So - if I settle for "happy" my god what if I'm doing the same thing?
Why do I feel angry in the first place?
I think my mom has a lot to do with it. She's that fundamental remorrah in my life. But I think I can form philisophical paradigms that work in my mind.
I feel mad about money - it's like no matter what I do, I don't have enough. I don't think I spend extrodinarily - but when I cut back it's not that i feel deprived, but I think "do I have to always feel this tight spending way?" Will it always be this way with SO? His personality lowers my blood pressure, but at the same time I feel like I will have to live the rest of my life as poor as a church mouse or in a high-stress job just to pay my half and the half that he ought to - but doesn't because he's fucked up his life.
But that's a total overreatction.