I'm feeling more awake now. It's time to built a self-movitvating fire under my arse. I've got so much to think about, but I have to tunnel vision in and focus on deadlined things. I'm just so unmotivated!!!

Sleep sleep sleep yummy sleep - I can't believe last semester that I was doing everything I do and taking Biochemistry. Jeez - - I think I totally adjust my energy up and down depending on what I have to do. I feel like I almost can't handle what I'm doing now, yet I've been busier doing so much more in the past. I should walk home today - the walk would feel good. Maybe it won't rain this afternoon. If I leave by five I can probably do it.

I wish I were at home - yesterday was soooo nice - it was like my ideal life afternoon - gem was over taking a nap in my bed. I got a lot done just by having another person around. I don't know why I don't do stuff when I'm by myself. It's the weirdest thing...
I'd like to be at gome working now like I was yesterdat with the windows open, etc. But if I were home, I'd probably just want to nap given the weather...

Hmm...it's been a while. :) So - more to keeping on track with my life. :) (I'm in a smiley mood this morning - good or bad?)

Wow - so do I feel I've made some progess in captaining my career? I'm not sure. I've done some things, but I have so much more to do. I was sooo sleepy last week. All week long - to the point that all I did was come to work and then go home and sleep.
I really think I've been trying to fight a cold for about a month now - and it's making me tired in a really low-grade way.
I'm worried that I'm starting to have problems with my memory. I think I just have too much going on?!?! I'm not really unhappy about things - I just can't recall basic information. I'll be talking to gem, and some band that I was talking about two days before with toc, for example, I can't recall their name without straining.

I can't come up with words in conversations. I can't connect things. It doesn't feel like things are not working the same way, it feels like I'm in a huge maze with everything changing all the time. And when I think about it logically, that's pretty much the way my life works. I don't see how people do it. My family is in the south, fiance in the sw and i'm here. I have an intense about of things to work through over the next few months. I need to get a job in another part of the country. I need to get all my possesions moved to the same place. Blah, blah, blah....and although this all leads up to what I want to do - it's not what I want to be doing. :) I have to prepare for a wedding.

I desperately want to lose weight. I do have the vanity issue with the wedding, but more importantly I want to perhaps have a baby soon. It's nuts, but I do think I've got barely repressed baby-fever. I want to be fatly pregnant, not just fat. :) But I want to be a healthly host (so to speak).

I need to turn the light into writing. Good ideas pop into my head all the time and I just don't get them down.

I think overall that I need to give myself more time and room than I usually do. What I'm moving into is really significant. Up til now all the significant things in my life have been about education and jobs and trying to find myself. They've involved me only. I've been around the world and the main goal of my life has been to steer myself in and out of danger. I haven't been very connected to anyone else. What I'm moving into is different and has a lot of weighty things attached. Other people are involved. Unlike everything else I've ever done, I care that I want to do right about these choices, that's really important to me. It's funny - I've always heard married people use the term "we" when they talk about what they're doing. I've thought it sounded weird or pretentious, but now I'm realizing that it's truly appropriate - it's all about a 'we'. Weird...

I was out shopping with gem this weekend and I found this great bed for a great price. Even though I'll have to move it - it's lovely and sturdy and will make a great marriage bed. I'd never even thought of it before this last visiting weekend - but my creaky aluminum bed just isn't appropriate for newlyweds. It will collapse! Snicker...

So - I need to get motivated. I feel like I'm all excited and spinning my wheels - and I don't know what actions to take. I need to get applications out -but I also want to brush up job skills first - I don't know what I'm doing. I have technical skills, but I'm not sure about job direction. I know in my heart of hearts what I'd *love* to be doing, but how do I get to that point? I want to do a change of career move - but I don't have the research and training quite to do that. I'd like to get something related, but I think the peculiarity of what I'm doing right now tracks me into some areas that I think will be difficult to break out of. I wish I were this motiviated focused person with my desires right out there on my sleeve - but I just don't work that way. I need to listen to my inner voice, but I have to learn how to *really* slow down long enough to listen for it. I think I have a belief that that inner voice will tell me what to do, eventually, somehow. But I've made enough impulsive choices that I really want to be sure now.

I don't think I've been impulsive the way toc has, he doesn't think at all about the ramifications of anything that he does. Not at all - no thought to the future, etc. If anything, though, he is an example of what I don't want to be or to be doing.

I think I have some broad barnside goals of what I want to do - and I have since before end of college. I guess they're larger needs - I need to have a stable job. I need to have a basic skill set that will allow me to have a job always. I like general life stability. I want to have access to continiuing education. I don't like to be alone - I want to be in a situation where I have a support system

I have the power to effect changes in my life. No one else does.

It is my power. I must do what I must do. I must believe that I have to power to follow my destiny.

There needs to be a thread for what I do. I spend most of my hours at work freaking out over details - so much that I've lost the ability to see what's going on around me, to see what I need to be doing. To guide my destiny. I've let the ship run astray.

I've spend a lot of time being negative about a job. I'm letting it be shackes around my ankles and that's not the way things should be. Even if I don't like what I doing - I can't lose sight of my bearings in HAVING A CAREER. Even if it's a different career than what I've been doing for a number of years. The person I am isn't going to change. My specifc interests may shift, but my core reasons for being interested are still going to be there. Even though evolution occurs, the reasons, the fundamental laws of nature don't change.

I've got to tap into what I feel and what I believe. It's in there, but the words and the thoughts just don't come to the surface. Purposesiveness without purpose.

I believe that technology is a powerful set of dreams and ideas. I believe that it gives rise to powerful tools that people can use to our advantage. Use is very broad and very specific at the same time. This is why I chose the education that I did. I saw so much promise in ways to use information to help people. I mean help people in the broadest sense - to help people get what they want to discover. If I took an assessment, a survey of what I've done and how effective it's been - what questions would I ask? What answers would I give?

How do I turn WANTS NEEDS DESIRES OVERREACHING IDEAS into actions? How do I act upon these things? Why do I want to act upon them?
What are the most effective ways to act? If I can come up a daily mantra - how can I let this be my compass? Every day should have a vector - a magnitude *and* a direction. Magnitude = action, direction = what, how and why. It's like the basics have been then - the magnitude part of the vector, and some of the direction, but not the specific direction.

I think I get tired and give up the "conscious thought" part of my daily life. Even if I don't think about the direction every day - I need to acknowledge that the need is there - and that my belief in it is there. Just like with trying to lose weight - I backslide every day because I can't get my bearings and connect them day to day. Every day is like a discontinous island - and I need for every day to be more like a narrative, like the next chapter in a story that I can remember.



How to not be blind - how to have conscious thought about this more than I do. How do I get myself into a mode where actionable thought is what guides me? There are so many days when I'm just "off". It's almost painful to even think about what I ought to be doing. Ought = how to get what I want out of life - how to live my life as close to an ideal life as possible.

When I take my thoughts about technology, I now realize that in the long run I want to be able to apply them to science.

So - word has it that for VD tom's treat to his SO is to attend "Vagina Monologues" with her. It's part of doing the play on "V-Day" to highlight violence. But tom - like many others, doesn't really need to attend this to learn about violence against women. It's one thing that really doesn't reach its intended audience. And, although I've only seen parts of it - I can't stand what of the play I've seen. It's so Gloria Steinem-eqsue. Although I've been accused of having a vagina (and a penis, too), I just find the Naomi-Wolff- rhetoric to be very off-putting. Maybe I'm a self-loathing vagina hater. Maybe I'm just not giving my vagina its proper voice - but I don't believe the ol' love canal has the power to control me.
The VM rhetoric debases me more than blinded patriarchal culture does. At least big stupid blinded patriarchal culture is like a machine that doesn't know what it's doing. I can't stand one more north-eastern small-feminist-college-trained Jewish woman telling me how inferior I am for not understanding how sexually oppressed she is by a culture (me included) that won't let her bitch about how sexually oppressed she is.
Now the arms and legs surrounding the vagina - when those are put into action, they can really do something.
But for a day of romance and a day where I think couples should strive to understand one another in a romantic way, a play devoted to vaginas leaves out yang altogether. Unless the couple is comprised of two militant lesbians.

Whoa - deep frustration with job, school, etc. Grrr...I once had a boss that told me something really good - she said that she did her best in her job, and when she felt she'd done as much as she could and couldn't grow anymore with the job, that was one of the things that told her that it was time to move on. As much as I regret saying it for my current job - I think I can't go anywhere else while here. Not because I don't want to or the working possibilities aren't there - but because I work for people that don't believe in me. No one is my champion here. School is a nightmare - it's the benefit that isn't a benefit.